Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
