he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
