Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
