When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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