If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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