I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
