I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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