I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Can I color on your dick again?
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
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