He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
