Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
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