My sheets look like a crime scene.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Randomize
