after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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