oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
You don't make any sense
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