You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
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