Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
