If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
She bit a glass in half.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
