she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Randomize
