I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
