glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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