im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
