every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
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I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
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The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
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