I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
The best revenge is premature balding
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Randomize
