Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
