Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
