Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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