a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
