I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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