take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
