Even the bartender felt bad for me
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Randomize
