i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize