Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Randomize
