i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
well most of my day revolves around power hour
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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