im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Randomize
