i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
