those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
