Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
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