I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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