are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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