1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
