You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
