I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
