My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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