SEEEEXXX PLEASE
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
