My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
