i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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