last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
