Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
