I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
