I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Randomize
