Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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