i just snorted my name. best moment ever
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
