He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
