the only muscles i have these days is kegels
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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