My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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