Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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