after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
