So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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