Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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