I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
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We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
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I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
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