Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Randomize
