just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize
