Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Randomize
