I faked an abortion last night.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
